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     The Origin of DeHaveland Brothers Beanie Baby™ Mortuary

    It was a dark and stormy night, and the barren Transylvanian landscape was lanced here and there by the aerial fires of lightning. No rain yet fell--but a clammy mist, grey and thick as the scrapings from the bottom of Charles Dickens's soupbowl, hung ominously over the sinister landscape. Two angular, solemn figures clad in black trudged up a hill toward the decaying manse.

     The figures were none other than the world-infamous brothers, Cedric and Lucius DeHaveland, returned from their (self-imposed? Or not?) exile from their native Transylvanian soil for...of all things, a familial visit. A visit to the denizens of the ancient but decrepit manse: two aged ladies who shared the brothers' blood--their mother, the Dame DeHaveland, and their deranged Aunt Agatha. Had the brothers returned merely to pay a visit of courtesy to their decaying ancestors, lodged in the decaying manse? Or had they a deeper purpose? If you would discover the answer, O Reader, read on, Dear Reader, O read on. Read on. And read a reading that will rattle through the retinas of those that read--such as you, Dear Reader, in your reading. But I digress. A lot.

   The brothers were cordially accepted into the darkling manse by the resident hunchback manservant, an underling who coincidentally shared the brothers' surname: Fredrick DeHaveland. Little did he know that he was to be instrumental to the dark schemes that would soon be let forth into the darkness. Quickly he ushered the sinister brothers into the faded glory of the main hall--where sat the aged Sisters DeHaveland: the Dame, still retaining the shreds of the glory that had dazzled the bright courts of Transylvania; Agatha, slavering in the corner with a cleaver. The Dame rose, in a manner stately if stiff, gathered her dark raiments about her, and spoke.

    "My sons. What has brought you back unto Transylvania, to this, the home of your youth? You both know the dangers of returning to your homeland, yea, even to this very place. Surely some word of great import must rest with you both. Now speak it forth, if you will, or leave us to our devices." And so speaking, the Dame lowered herself back upon the dark dusty brocade cushions of her ancient couch. Then the lady Agatha stood from her wooden, hard-back chair. She stood a moment drooling, and, without a word, hurled her cleaver at Lucius (who avoided it) and regained her seat.

    The older of the brothers, Cedric, stepped forward. His dark cloak swirled about his heels, its hem travel-stained and ragged. His mother noted deep lines marked upon his face by much travel, strife, and sorrow. He spoke: "My mother, and my aunt, much haff ve seen since ve left our homble Transylvanian home. Ve haff traveled to ze four corners off de vorld, und ve haff seen many things. But vun sing we have not seen: a satisfactory vay for two enterprisink und honest (ahem) yoong men to mek der vay in de vorld. But effter mooch tot, ve haff hit upon a skem." As he spoke, his brother stepped forvard...forward to his side, and the brothers spoke as one: "A BENEE BEBBIE MORTUARY!"

    "A Beanie Baby Mortuary?" Said the Dame. "Gaeaaahh," said Aunt Agatha, as she retreived her cleaver. "Yes." Said Lucius, taking his turn to speak. "Ve rekvire but vun ting from you, our mother: money." Their mother stood silent in awe. The brothers drew together in triumph. Aunt Agatha sunk her cleaver in Lucius' thigh. Wincing slightly, he cried: "Vit our Benee Bebbie Mortuary's success, ve vill be vell on our vay to ruling ze vorld!" And the brothers allowed themselves the merest of throes of diabolical laughter, as thunder rolled above.

     And so the Beanie Baby Mortuary was born, in a humble Transylvanian ancestral manse, from the fevered brains of the brothers known the vorld over for their diabolical perspicacity. Only later would Fredrick, the hunchbacked manservant, join their scheme as their official coffin procurement agent and all-purpose stooge. An immediate success, the Beanie Baby Mortuary has continued to provide vorld-class burial services for poor deceased stuffed pets up to this very day.


Cedric DeHaveland

Lucius DeHaveland

The Dame DeHaveland

Aunt Agatha

Fredrick DeHaveland

Questions? Comments? Orders? Contact us at beaniemortuary@excite.com

No, the Beanie Baby™ Mortuary is not associated in any way with Ty Inc., the manufacturers of Beanie Babies™. Too bad for us, huh. Beanie Baby Mortuary and all contents Copyright 2005 by Matthew and Andrew Miller. All rights reserved.